Hell Hath No Fury:Our Night At the Judgement House

Hardcore bands,Black Dove, Reflect, and Brian Handle are playing at Carabar Tommorrow. Between groups, Angry Andy, Scotty Cockblock and Deathly Fighter’s Christian Wieland will be playing records. Here is a story about Angry Andy and I at a Hell House.

Sneak shot of Satan. Photos by Danielle Kline

I am assuming a lot of DW “friends” have seen the documentary Hell House. It’s about haunted houses put on by Christians in an attempt at scaring potential hellrotters into avoiding eternal damnation by accepting Jesus Christ as their lord and savior. If you haven’t seen it, you can prolly imagine would that entail. Basically shock tactics are used to show homosexuals, drug addicts, abortionists, and general non-repenters the unpleasentness of Dante’s Inferno that awaits.

A product of the Hell House movement are Judgement Houses. JH’s are haunted houses put on by Christians into an attempt scaring potential hellrotters into avoiding eternal damnation by accepting Jesus Christ as their lord and savior.

I am not sure why they changed the name, but I am sure there was a meeting after the documentary and whoever is in charge of non-Islamic religion in America decided that “Judgement” sounds nicer than Hell.( sorta like cocaine user sounds better than crack addict.) Actually, to be less sardonic, they prolly honestly felt certain things needed to be toned down because their are some good people in the church.

Earlier in October, the homie Cashola, and I started googling around knowing that if GW was able to make the election close enough to fix twice with rural Ohio religious folk, then there had to be some Judgement Houses around. We located one at the Chillicothe Baptist Church. CBC is a religious collective that prides themselves on “Exalting the King and Expanding the Kingdom”. Later that week we scooped up Dkline, and Angry Andy, and much like after one passes Cassidy his patron so that he can have his drink and his two-step, it was on.

We went and hit the interstate.

After the jump, Youth groups debate the N word. Myspace is the devils web and net. We get to meet the devil, and Jesus. And even if you don’t believe in a Mystery spook, we can all bond over the Buckeyes.

To clue you in on our personal backgrounds, Johnny Cashola and I both operate on a philosophical plane somewhere between Sartre and the NGE. (Lean more to the French cause we are both grafts.) Angry Andy is a 19 year-old SXE kid, that puts on of DIY shows, and publishes a zine called Rats. We call him Angry Andy cause his favorite music always centers around the promotion of unappealing sounds, and antisocial behaviour. Dkline listens to the Dead Milkman, and enjoys kitschy movies. So she likes camp.

Angry Andy is scurrred of Christians.

We get to Chillicothe Baptist Church, which is near a prision. CBC is huge, and looks to be fairly new. We arrive inside, and sign up at a table. A three dollar donation is required. There is a cafe in the church that resembles the Cup-o Joe in the airport or at Easton. I get a cup of coffee. Andy is terrified of God’s people. He had no idea what I was talking about when I invited him, and it dawned on him that he was now sitting in a Church.

We go into the worship center and wait for our group to be called. Some sort of Christian MTV2 was projected on to large screens to entertain the couple hundred of people waiting. What was really weird is that every video had underlying graffiti element in it. I don’t know what the product of this is gonna be.

But I am sure the promotion of vandalism to an adolescent who is trying to find his path threw Christian Music will create some confused acolytes. Or maybe it will develop someone who is gonna tell on all his friend if he gets caught tagging a garage.

Not to be a prayer hater or anything.

Anyways, it was kinda funny that they were trying to promote “the coolness” of the Christian music movement with graffiti.

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Urban D

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MXPX

While we waited a debate arose about Pigeon John, a LA based Christian rapper. A 19 year-old ,very white bread youth leader condemned Pigeon John to his youth group because PJ’s use of the N-Word. Another pristine youth leader from a different group challenged this idea. His point was that black people are allowed to use it. And quoted Chris Rock’s arguement which I wasn’t familar with. But sounded kinda funny.

The anti-N word guy countered by stating that there was meeting by prominate black leaders, including Russell Simmons, and now black people aren’t allowed to use the N-word either. This was stated with strong conviction.

Now given the enviroment. We started giggling. Which even though, we are with clowning, none of us really wanted be jerks like that. We didn’t want make fun of anyone there rudely. These were all nice people doing their thing, and we were in their enviroment. I don’t play that irony shit. But golly it was hard. Just because somethings are just fucking funny.

Finally they called our group up. We were with a squad of 25 people. I think we were the only sole controllers. Rest of the people were saved, and just here to get scarred I guess. We sat and watched some video, and filled out cards. The cards asked us for our personal contact info. The back of the card was for the church use. Kinda like when doctors have you fill out paper work, and then other parts are for evaulation.

Well, the evaulation on the back had boxes where our “counselour” could check, “salvation”, or “needs follow up”. Some man was squeezing his wife’s kneck dumb hard. It didn’t look comforting. It looked controlling.

Finally they take us into a hallway.They started talking really cryptically about salvation, and read some Bible passages. It was biting lip time. The Judgement House was about to begin. So we bit our lips and took deep breaths. It was set up in a series of rooms that had little plays in them. So I am gonna break it up by that.

Room 1: Room one was set in a prision. It started off with a lady talking at at a table to a preacher. She was begging a preacher to please speak to man that is on death row. The preacher goes and talks to A.J., pleading with him to take Jesus into his life. A.J. says the only way he will accept Jesus, is if the preacher can present A.J.’s father, right then and there. The preacher says thats not possible. A.J. rejects God. Guards take A.J. out of his cell, and over to a table. The guards execute A.J. using lethal injection.

In the hallway our guide tells us that A.J. was executed for a heinous crime. Then offers to show us how he got there.

Room 2: We are taken to a family living room setting. A group of girls are having a slumber party. Eating cookies and such. Erica breaks out a lap-top and starts logging into myspace. Her friend Trish says that her parent’s don’t allow her to be on myspace. Erica tells Trish that she met this hot Brazilan guy on myspace named Renaldo. Erica’s mom comes in to bring them bottles of water. They hide the computer. When the mom leaves, Erica sends pictures of her self via myspace to Renaldo

We are taken into a hallway, where our guide, matter of factly states that you can’t open a newspaper these days without hearing about someone raped or murdered after meeting someone on Myspace.

RM 3:A.J and his wife are in an office. A.J.’s wife is telling a story.He ignores her to look at a computer. At the end of the story, A.J. says, “I don’t think you look fat”. Which had nothing to with the story so it was obvious he wasn’t paying attention. She leaves. He brings up some pictures on the internet. They are of a young girl. The phone rings, and it’s A.J.’s preacher. The pastor talks to A.J. in a manner that implies that A.J. did something sketchy in the past, and is concerned. A.J. blows the pastor off and gets off the phone.

His wife walks in and finds A.J. looking at pictures of a teenager on the internet. She is shocked. The wife yells at him, saying that the girl is their daughters age. A.J. gets defensive and screams at her until she leaves the room,crying.

RM 4: The room is split into two sections. One section has A.J. in his office. The second section has Trish, and Erica in a bedroom. A.J. is logging into aim. BabyGirl 199o contacts him. His screenname is Latinlover. They arrange a meeting at the Pizza Shack. The girls sneak out. Erica’s dad comes in the room, and finds the computer window open. Looks and reads that his daughter is on her way to the Pizza Shack to meet a Brazilian soccer player.

RM 5:A.J. gets to Pizza Shack first. He orders two sodas and puts a roofie in one of them. Erica and Trish show up. They sit down with a group of kids from their church first. The kids are recanting a Christian Rock concert they were at earlier. Erica complains about how everyone is always talking about Jesus. The kids ask her how it is possible to ever get tired of talking about the lord. The Pizza Shack’s server comes over to good girl lost Erica, and tells a her a man named Renaldo is waiting for her.

She sits down at Renaldo’s aka A.J.’s table. A.J. is rocking a hoodie and sunglasses. She drinks her roofied soda, remarks about how bad it tastes. He tells her it must be flat. Erica has him take his hoodie down, and the sunglasses off. She realizes the creep is a 50 year-old white man, not an 18-year-old Brazilian soccer pro. The young girl tries to leave. A.J. grabs her by her arm and starts dragging her out.

Erica’s dad shows up. A.J. and the father have a fight. It looked pretty real, and violent.A.J. shoves the father down, and proceeds to kidnap Erica. A group of kids chase them out the door. Outside the door area, gunshots go off. Erica, and a young man who commented earlier about never being tired of talking about Jesus are murdered. A.J. is arrested for shooting them.

RM 6: We are taken to the gates of judgment. There is a bearded man standing on a throne/alter thing holding The Book of the Lamb. He explains that if one has accepted Christ into their lives, then that saved persons name will be listed in that book. If you are in the book, you go to heaven.

The young man that was murdered comes before him. His name is in the book. He goes into the heaven door. As he dissapears, the young man remarks, “This is beautiful. Daddy is that you”.

A.J. and Erica are each individually presented to for judgement. They both weren’t saved, so their names aren’t in the Book of the Lamb. Men dressed as Satan’s helpers take them to the Hell door.

Our guide walks us to the gates of Hell. She informs the crowd we are about enter hell. She warns parents that this isn’t intended for children under the age of twelve. We walk through a dark hallway, where 11 year-old boys are dressed up like dead, devil children complete with pale-shin, and bruised eye make-up. The moment we were waiting for was finally here. We were in hell.

RM 7:Lucifer was sitting on his throne. He looked like Toby Keith in a red rob, and horns. Erica was in front of him. They had heaters everywhere so it was rather warm. Erica complained the heat. Lucifer laughed at her. His devil guards took her away.

A.J. comes in mad geeked. He announces that he has been Satan’s servant from day 1. Beezlebub snickers at him and tells him he doesn’t give fuck about him, or no one. Then he brings out A.J.’s dad. A.J. is stoked, until his father starts telling him that he is garbage.

A.J.’s eternal punishment is his abusive dad screaming on him. Remember A.J. asked the preacher if the lord would present him with his dad? Well Satan did.

Then Satan sends A.J. away, and address us. The lits dim, and some sort flamethrower device goes off. As the lights flicker Lucifer has pentagrams, and 666 written in glow in the dark ink on his face that only shows when the light are completely off. Cashola starts to take pictures, but is stopped by our guide. She says she has never had anyone want to take photos of Satan before. She doesn’t really say no. But is confused by the lack of terror in Johnny’s attitude. A young devil child whispers in Angry Andy’s ear about how is going to hell. Andy Andy tells him to not get make-up on his sweatshirt.

A young boy is crying. His dad tells him not to worry, because he isn’t going to burn in the devil’s lair.

We leave hell.

RM 8: Here we are, Heaven. Looks like the Chillicothe Baptist Church envisions Heaven as a narrow room with lots of embroidery hanging up on the walls. They sit us down, and put white sheets over our shoulders. A women explains to us about the Book of the Lamb. And how we get to Heaven or end up in Hell.

The funny thing is that, she was either drunk, tired or senile, and kept inversing Heaven and Hell. She was say if you name is in the book, you will go the Hell. Then should would catch herself, and then ramble on about how tired she was. She seemed nice but confused.

They pulled out of a gift basket, and explained how Jesus had died to give us the present of eternal life. She had a little key and rambled about how that unlocks the gate of Hell, er she ment Heaven

RM 9: We are taken to meet the Lord. We line up in front of the man who looked the main hero in the movie 300, who is Jesus. They bring the Young man that died in the Pizza Shack in. He runs to Jesus, and hugs him. Pure joy.

Then Jesus comes down from the alter and proceeds to bless every individually. Cashola is snickering so security steps up behind him. The spellcastings continue. Danielle, and Cashole get blessed inffectively.

Jesus puts his hands n my shoulders. I can’t look directly at him cause I don’t want to burst into hysterical laughter, because seriousness of the moment. And the fact that I am in Chillicothe standing with a man dressed like Jesus, who is embracing and staring at me.

There was weird fucking energy coming from his hands to my shoulders. I finally put my teeth into my lip and look in Jesus in the eye cause he would’nt speak until I did. Jesus told me, “My faith in you is strong. Your faith in me is weak”. Touche, my lord.

He blesses Angry Andy, and we leave Heaven. Looking around in the hallway 21 people just had a life-affirming experience. The 4 of us came off like cast of Sienfeld. Indifferent, godless, and smirking.

We are taken into a room. A series of prayers and pleas for us to accept Jesus proceed. Then we are told the Buckeyes won.

  • Lester Crankenstein

    somebody give this guy a website, he’s unstoppable

  • http://omnimix.com cashola

    yeah, this whole experience was really creepy. either i was trying not to laugh, or i was just standing there with my jaw dropped open…

  • weswes

    don’t forget you were scheduled to dejay a halloween party and you had to keep calling detox and be like

    “yeah..i am at in chillicothe at this church.
    i am gonna be two hours late.”

  • Lester Crankenstein

    i woulda soiled myself. props for keeping the respect up, but Jeeeeezus H. Christobal i don’t imagine i would’ve been able to keep from peeing all over the floor

  • weswes

    once you lay face down under a leadpipe for three hours to avoid a police helicopter, your tolerence for uncomfortable situations expands.

  • weswes

    thanks for taking the time to read that long ass shit..btw

  • Lester Crankenstein

    how about hiding in some random room in CAP from 5-0 on foot and realizing you’re right next to some sort of hole with black or maybe green ooze in it? i still wouldn’t have been able to handle that crazy x-ian shit, man. still wow’d

  • weswes

    we are all gonna get it bad because of CAP and Smith Brothers…haha..i remember when the men in yellow anti-hazardous chemical protection suits on. and we would be there dress normal..
    then they built a stadium on it..
    maybe all soccer fans are gonna get cancer.

    Well if you learn to tolerate xtian culture, your band could make some money off this market.
    make a video for “new moses”

  • Raina Hone

    That was very funny. Im glad I read it, and Im glad you had pictures. Your smirks and all the crappy props really brought the whole thing together for me. So did the first time you wrote “The Book of Lamb”, and the guy telling that little boy not to get make up on his shirt; those were the my favorite parts… Well written ;0]

  • Wes Flexner

    Raina. Lightweight embarrassed you found this.
    Nicest girl out. Thanks for reading.

  • http://goatse.cx johnnycasholla

    it was real strange being gay and being in that place.

  • weswes

    ah…i see kentucky in the building.

  • djpos2

    wow.

    this sounds creepy. great read though. lol@cashola loling @ Jesus in chillicothe.

  • http://www.odotrecords.blogspot.com Meta4.ce

    Wow, I wish I would’ve went.
    Sorry, I would’ve eventually succumbed to the hatrix and clownt the event to a shambles.

  • Christian Girl

    I think you missed the whole point of the drama. If you ever were to read the bible, you would understand why those scenes hold so much importance. The reason people use all white when symbolizing heaven and blacks and reds for hell is to show the difference between the light of God and the darkness of the devil. No one will truely know what the judgement will be like until they experience it for themselves. This is just a rough presentation of how it is said to be. How much do you know about what christianity is about? I don’t mean the sterotypes, but have you ever had an actual experience with God’s love? Have you tried going to an event with an open mind and no cynnicism?

  • allah b god

    I believe that the asiatic blackman is god. I believe that a biheaded scientist named yacub created the white man by splitting a germ.