Metallica and the cartoon named Lou Reed collaborating in what boiled down to the joke of the year.
Let me be your guide on ill shit. Ditch the beard and drop out of your burrito metal band.
No order. Follow my orders and cop. You’re welcome.
1.) Prosanctus Inferi, Red Streams of Flesh The Columbus metal landscape has been so bonkers for a minute now and Prosanctus Inferi is at the top of the pack. This record is suffocating and unrelenting. Part Beherit and part Tampa Bay. Technical as it is filthy. Drum fills are the cloven hoofs of Satan kicking your dick in. See them New Years Eve at Carabar to ring in the last year on Earth.
2.) Luciation, Manifestation in Unholy Blackness Total primal, raw black metal. Bleak and rough to go along with my everyday existence. I didn’t make sense of the 7” of theirs so I bought the LP. Makes sense, right? Anyhow, if you dig crude, headbanging jams by dudes in ski masks then this is for you.
3.) Blut Aus Nord, 777 Sects These Frenchies are like Mary Shelly’s Frankenstein; cobbled together mutated freak. There is no panache. Just rotten pus and stitched together body parts. I don’t think there is a bad record in their catalog. This is massive and sounds like some episode of Geraldo when he was exposing satanism but through a warbly VHS tape. Hail satan, hail analog, hail baguettes and hail France.
4.) Inquisition, Ominous Doctrines of the Perpetual Mystical Macrocosm This came out on CD last November and LP in January so whatever. Find a better record? Two piece of total hypnosis that would make you believe (wish?) that you had been in a cult. Catch them live at all costs.
5.) Immolation, Providence I lose sleep nightly for those of you who went to see Skeletonwitch instead of Immolation. Yeah, there were like 50 bazzilion crappy bands before Immolation but it was worth it. Scion released this CD and it is available for free. Totally disgusting live and top notch people. Only death is real.
6.) Vile Gash Find a better song than “every day” Did you catch them after their tour jaunt? I didn’t think so!!! Shame on your for having a family. Tight and vicious. Seriously, Columbus is maaad fucked up to have had a band of this caliber. WALK THESE CITY STREETS/ PEOPLE MAKE ME SICK/ EVERYTHINGS THE SAME/ WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT. Am I right or am I right?
7.) Nukkehammer, Soviet Rust Belt Sick title, bleak record. Guitar tone is straight panzer driving through your house. Pulverizing for you shoestring headband road warriors. Charred Forest U.S.S.A. is so over the fucking top. Columbus, you wild.
8.) Eye, Center of the Sun Get some Thundaar The Barbarian on mute and jam this joint. Makes total sense. Either that or get high all the way, read that comic book that came with “In Search Of Space” and blast off to this.
9.) Peaking Lights, “936”/ Pure X “Pleasure” I know some normal shit but I don’t have air conditioning so I gotta cope with some dubbed out jams in the summer. No furious headbanging just sprawled out watching “Harder They Come” and “Third World Cop” for like the zillionth time.
10.) Ride For Revenge/Undor split LP I’ll be honest….who the fuck is Undor? Buy it for RFR. Completely fucked black shamanic metal. Best soundtrack for your next cutting ritual. There is a new full length that just came out too!
11.) Urfaust, Der Freiwillige Bettler Came out end of the year last year. Urfaust is like that brilliant dude in the basement unit of your apartment complex who holds down some philosophical position at college and is wasted 75% of the time. Normal sober and a complete lunatic drunk. Urfaust is the drunk side. Party on weirdos.
12.) Nothing People, Smells Like Metal This is probably my favorite punk band of the past 10 years. Dystopian punk freaks. Could have come out on Subterranean and would have worked. Only buy this if the idea of Screeching Weasel bums you out.
13.) Revrorum Ib Malacht, Urkaos The idea of black ambient leads females in a 100 yard radius should have females rushing to get their tubes tied. Instead of “music for airports: the back acne edition” it is some “there may be some satanists operating out of this cave edition”. They have apparently evolved from a black ambient band to a black metal band and the result could not be better. Imagine Mussolini speeches through one channel and hypnotic black murk out the other. Match made in heaven.
14.) Metalion: The Slayer Mag Diaries 700 plus pages that collects the legendary magazine “Slayer”. Rare pictures, interviews from Carbonized to Destruction to Dissection and more. It’s an incredible book that shows the insane dedication that metal-heads have. Buy it for your stupid cousin that legit likes Attack Attack.
Things that I am gripping but haven’t jumped into fully but dig what I’ve heard so far… Murmuure, Andy Stott, Demdike Stare, Death Grips “ex-military”… I don’t know. There are probably 50 more things if I put my mind to it.