Around the Holidays, I have a tradition. It’s called putting on a bathrobe, and listening to R. Kelly. Eventually after sipping  Silk Nog and Vodka, I get bold enough to send text messages offering backrubs and sex with a naked thug.

While this isn’t true, watching this R. Kelly and Roots performance from Fallon made  me decide I’m really wasting my life not doing such things.

I know its someone’s birthday somewhere.

Rap music is great because it hypnotizes you and convinces you that caring about anything but making money is a sign of mental illness. And I thank rap music for this, normally. But El-P’s album reminded me the reality is that we are still paying “30 Percent a Year to Fund the World’s End”. And the everday conversation with many of youse may be worse than the government’s intentions. El touches on that as well.

Video:El-P performing TPC and Smithereens at Little Brothers in Columbus

2. MIA, Kala (XL/Interscope)

M.I.A.’s record is kinda like a futuristic Robin Hood if Robin Hood was a female that made music that people will dance to in Third World Countries 50 Years from now after the American dollar becomes more worthless than a Congolese franc. I also want to be the first to point out that MIA is not physically attractive. I’d hump a terrorists daughter on GP, but she still is pretty average looking.

LINK:Value of Dollar Dropping

3. Times New Viking Presents The Paisley Reich (Stiltbreeze)

I have a friend that paints graffiti a lot and works a really shitty job. He is really nice and only listens to Lil Wayne and Nirvana because they sing romantically about despair, love,drugs, and death. Lil Wayne is a lot funnier than Nirvana as is TNV. My 2008 resolution is to get him into TNV.

Video:Some Guy in Canada named “DipsetMuthafucka” Dancing to TNV’s Little Amps.

4. Wu-Tang Clan, The Eight Diagrams

Most of all the other Hip Hoppers were out here trying and failing at trying to figure out the formula to sell records, ring tones, and themselves. Wu remembered that they are the sole controllers of their universe, and it is their duty as poor righteous teachers to civilize the uncivilized in the Wilderness of North America. So they made a Wu-Tang album that sounded like a good Wu-Tang album. Can a devil fool a Muslim?

Hypem:Wu-Tang Clan-Campfire

5. Lil Wayne, The Drought

Lil Wayne boasted in Fader that he does nothing all day but take xtc, and receive oral sex while constantly recording. The result of drug use, work ethic, and an inability to keep his music from being uploaded meant we got to experience exactly what was going on in Wayne’s brain at all times.

HYPEM:Lil Wayne-Dipset

6. Cam’ron, Public Enemy Number 1

You know that game where you say: what if I was alone in the bathroom with a douchebag CEO of a Major Corperations?Would I take his head and slam into a urinal? Well Cam got in earshot of both Jay-z and 50 Cent and made fun of how they dress and said that only DIY rap bosses are cool. Cam got himself blackballed. So what did he do? He record two discs worth of good music and gave it away for free on the internets and out of his friends automobile. Punk.

MP3:Cam’ron-The Cycle is Sick

7. Lupe Fiasco, The Cool (1&15th/Atlantic)

Lupe’s album is pretty great despite of not having heard Midnight Marauders. The so-called Islamic jihadist has the ability to jump around from double-time Twistaesque joints to artsy defiant manifestos to poignant tacks that humanize crappy myspace rappers who front on how many clicks they get on their page cause he knows they aren’t the enemy. They are just trying live. Lupe takes a route that rejects what he probably views as American Colonialist activity without demonizing the lumpen proletariat. So while backpackers argued about how their culture is being disrespected, Lupe made a really moody, conceptual album that revealed him as a talented story teller.

Video:Lupe explaining Paris,Tokyo for a Radio Station.

8. Justice, +(Ed Banger/Vice)

I hate techno and ravers. So this album must be really good.

Video:Justice Live on Jimmy Kimmel

9. Black Lips, Good Bad Not Evil (Vice)

True True. Worst record. Still real good. Anyone who sees the correlation of sipping on lean, hitting up the Magic City boob hut and garage rock n roll makes more sense to me then trying to reinvent the Munsters over and over again. Betty Page has a fat ass but thats where it stops.

Video:Black Lips Performing Bad Kids

10. R.Kelly, Double Up (Jive)

The difference between Micheal Jackson and R.Kelly is that R. Kelly is a creep that likes 14 year-old black girls, and Micheal Jackson is a creep that like 6 year old white boys. Who do you think has a more relevant taste in music?

Video-R.Kelly:Real Talk

11.Kayne West, Graduation (Roc-a-Fella)

Kanye’s worst album but still pretty great. This made him to the most important man in music right now.

Video:Kanye West addresses Gay Rumors

12. Little Brother, Get Back (ABB Records)

Jay-z abandoned grown-folks music in order to sell heroin while missing the point of American Gangster because his publicist told him white bloggers in all-over print shirts and fitted hats would think he is cool if he rapped about selling drugs again. Little Brother showed you can make music for grown people if you are funny and and still like making music. It’s true you can go to the club, and not get laid or kill people. Ooh Ooh real school Hip Hoppers please stop defending Jay-z and 50 like it was Betty Shabazz’s last wish as an extra feature on Style Wars and support a group that got dropped from a major for actually being about something. I mean these guys said, hey we don’t like how black people are portrayed in the media. Got dropped. Kept it moving independently.

Video:Producer Khrysis on the Making of Little Brothers “After the Party”

13. Gucci Mane

Gucci Mane didn’t make any albums of the year. However my favorite song this year was “Pillz” cause it was about being fucked up and having some annoying broad disrupt your happy stupor. This song isn’t even from 07, but I spent the time I shoulda been listening to Panda Bear, Wilco,Battles,Radiohead, and Animal Collective bumping Gucci Mane.

Video:Karoake Video for Pillz

14. Walter Rocktight, School of Rocktight

Columbus Hip Hop is at the lowest point since, iono, Da Mad Clown couldn’t stop selling yayo in 1993. Fronting is at a whole new high, and most people aren’t really labbing or creating their own identities. They think myspace and mixtapes are enough. Fuck branding, btw. At Least Rocktight put this cd out so we get to hear Jakki,Copywrite,Illogic, Spitball over topnotch bangers made by a much slept on producer. If you like Dre,Timbaland and Primo then you will prolly should check for Rocktight. Obviously I just listed the greatest beatmakers in hip hop history, but hyperbole is warranted when you think attention is deserved. Especially when hip hop in Columbus is pretty terrible.

Preview the Album on CD Baby(Please say the baby)

15. Budos Band, II (Daptone)

I am pretty anti-funk and soul but this shit is textured and variegated enough to keep me interested.

Video:Budos Band at Ravari Room

In my mind, Justin Timberlake is Radiohead. You know. Anyone with taste would see that its great music.

And if Timberlake is Radiohead, then Kells is Bjork. You know—>acclaimed music by a quirky weirdo pervert. (watch a Matthew Barney movie. I dare you. Thats Bjork’s boo. His films are borderline as bad as Kells’ urinating video)

After the break.
It’s Your Boyfriend!!
Kells.

So. In Columbus, 16 Bitch Pile-Up gets peas cause they know Thurston Moore. The Catalyst gets love for being down with Kool G, Rap. So why can’t I use some blog space on a girl that had sex with the King of R+B? You can’t spell R+B without the R. You also can get the word ho out of Ohio if you are Kells..

This girl from A+F was in Chi. Here is what went down. She meets the R at a club.
They go back to some suave place that I will never be able to afford. They hump. Before reaching the peak of his evening, R. Kelly yells, “big dick coming.”
He tells her to wait there.

I guess she waits, and Kells is nowhere to be found. The lady tries to leave. But Kells has these fancy-ass doorknobs designed not to open when women wake up after he has sex with them. She is stuck in Kell’s love den for like 22-24 hours.

Finally the R returns. The girl is like, ‘You trapped me. What the hell is wrong with you?’
Kells tells her to “pull em down”. She obliges. They do the do. Kells yells “big dick coming!”

Everything is kosher. And the lady returns to the Bus, and tells her friends about the greatest thing that will ever happen to her.

And that kinda sums up Double Up, the new R. Kelly album. Kelly is such a weird-ass freak that he is gonna give you the weirdest experience of your life involving sex & music.

The album starts off with “The Champ” which Kelly answers all his enemies that have the audacity to judge him for peeing on a child. He is so fired up, that you almost want to be on his side on the matter.

Then the cd segways to the albums title track “Double-up.” Kelly unveils his new catch phrase “It’s Your Boyfriend” which hopefully will be this summer’s “Ballin”. The beauty of this phrase is that Kelly says it before songs that have nothing to do with being in a committed relationship.

Its kinda like saying “I Love You” to some friend of some girl you are trying to hump after you told her to shut up accidentally. Its confusing enough that it works.

Double Up is about trying to hook threesomes up. The new twist on ‘two girls for every boy’ is the constant desire Kelly has for the girls to be related or at least appear to be related.

This album is on a major label, and is executed by someone that will go down in music history in the hearts of millions as one of the greatest songwriters of all time. And he dreams of incest.

Other highlights on the album are “I’m a Flirt” which Kells thankfully stole from Bow Wow, and made a great song about how he is gonna steal your girl; “Real Talk” where he tells his girlfriend to “go fuck her funky ass friends next time she needs sex” because he is tired of their gossip;”The Zoo” and “Sex Planet” in which Kelly extends metaphors about zoo, and outer space and sex.

What makes the album so special is that it’s good music. I don’t listen to music just because its funny. In fact, I hate Ween. The new Kelly joint sounds good. Way better than any album that Ween has ever done. I hate Ween. The album has the DJ Toomp’s and Polow da Don’s bringing the heat. Like as nuts as Kelly is, I would imagine 7 out of 10 music majors would argue the technical validity of the album. The other three would be racists that listen to Wagner.

The album has some missteps like including Nelly and Kid Rock. But other than that, this album is prolly the best album by a sincere criminal since 50 Cent’s “Get Rich or Die Trying.”

Don’t get me wrong, I think Kelly should be in jail. But since he is not.
Alls I can say is:
Only in America!!

but yeah check out this clip from the boondocks.

Tonight in Columbus OH, RJD2 presents the worldwide debut of his new live band at the Wexner Center. We caught up with RJ on the eve of his big change.

Wes Flexner: Do you foresee yourself going back to sampled-based composition?

RJD2: I don’t know. I can foresee what I am going to be doing in the future, but at this point I am a little too “out there” as an artist to go around sampling shit, and without clearing it it’s a very limiting form to be working in.

WF: When creating the album, did you use equipment from the eras of sound you were striving for?

RJ: Yeah, I spent a lot of time and money buying the instruments that were on my favorite records and then even more time restoring shit. Clarinet, Hammond organ, electric pianos, synths, vibraphone. There are only one or two instruments in my studio that were made after 1980.

WF: Was the transition from producer/deejay to front man, difficult for you? Was it out of necessity or a rooted desire to experience the extreme extroverted side of musical performance?

RJ: I don’t think too much about it. I think there is an inherent disparity in being primarily an “instrumental artist” that’s not part of the group. Because naturally you need to be the “front man” of your own act. But the music is inherently introverted. So it can make things hard. I’m kind of relieved to just be in front of the mic since my name is top on the marquis anyway. It was really hard to headline shows when I was primarily using turntables and a sampler and present it like a big deal.

WF: Has singing been like forcing yourself to skydive, or a natural comfortable process?

RJ: Yeah, a little. Really, preparing to go out and sing the songs is the most like skydiving. In the studio, it’s just…”ok, take 13″. But that’s what makes it so exciting. There’s such a chance for mistakes. I’m looking forward to those kinds of things. I think it’s more interesting to see a performer succeed when they occasionally fail.

WF: All of your band members had their various impacts on Columbus music. Can you recall and memories of being a young man in the crowd and watching Howling Maggie, New Bomb Turks, RC Mob, etc?

RJ: It’s funny, cause Happy is such a humble guy. It’s almost hard to think of him as a rock star, but every now and then I think about that song “Alcohol”, and I think hey, this guy was on the radio when I wasn’t eve thinking about wishing I WAS as musician. Same with Sam. These guys need to work a little harder at being dicks if they’re going to convince someone they are big shots.

WF: Did you ever perform at Freakin Pizza or at the Groove Shack?

RJ: Freakin Pizza, yes. I also worked there. Groove Shack, no, I just attended. Drastic was sort of the “house dj” and they primarily just had mc battles. I was just wallpaper.

WF: Derek DeCinzo and yourself have a musical history. What did you guys do together?

RJ: We had a band called “Free Willy 3″. It was fun. We didn’t have ANYTHING planned for those shows. We knew one song. I think it was “Take 5′ by Dave Brubeck. So the other 1:55 of the show was basically improvised. It was a blast. He’s too talented. It’s scary.

WF: You are in Philly now, home of Diplo’s Hollertronix movement and The Roots Okay Players movement. Have you picked up any insights from them?

RJ: Probably. Diplo is a character. Seeing him build the Hollertronix thing out here from scratch was really cool. I knew him before he was “Diplo”. Back when he was deejaying and making little demos. Okay Player? I think I’ve gained some insight into the more “major label” side of music from being around some of those guys and how it works.

WF: Why do a good deal of Roots fans like John Mayer, Steely Dan, Basement Jaxxx and Coldplay?

RJ: Maybe cause the Roots can actually play and so does John Mayer and Steely Dan. I don’t know what’s the deal with Basement Jaxxx. Coldplay….. Shit. Everybody likes Coldplay. They are after all a platinum act. The Parachutes record was good. I liked it.

WF: Why did you decide on XL records for the new album?

RJ: I had finished the record and I knew I wanted to be at a label that was familiar with rock music as well as electronic music or something else. There were a few labels on my list and an a+r I knew just moved over there. So I called him. After talking to a few people, I felt like Kris at XL was the most passionate about the music.

WF: Let me ask you about some of your songs. First, “You Never Had it So Good”. Have you any advice on how someone get a meddling, overbearing mom to chill out and accept you?

RJ: Do the dishes. It’s simple. All it takes is one time, trust me.

WF: “Law of the Gods” What is your work schedule like?

RJ: I don’t really know how to stop working, unfortunately. I’m watching a movie while I do this interview. I didn’t want the song to come out as a damnation of laziness. It was more a little audio post-it note to myself. A number of songs on this album were written as a note to myself. Really.

WF: What are three good electronic albums that are good to set a romantic mood?

RJ: Bjork, “Vespertine”. Brian Eno, “Music For the Airports”. Air, “Talkie Walkie”

WF: What are three R&B Records to hump to and then figure out the artistic merit later?

RJ: Oh man, I don’t know where to start or stop here. Top of the list has got to be Ne-Yo’s album. He’s got the kind of dirty talk that isn’t so explicit that your lady is like “is this new Kells?” You cannot smash to Kells. No way. And I love the guy. Need I remind you he’s the king of R & B?

The first Anthony Hamilton. It’s real dignified. “Voodoo” by D’angelo. He is the Barry White of our generation. I’m sure he’s inspired more unions than any singer of the 2000′s and maybe something older. Like some Sam Cooke or Ray Charles.

WF: Do you read reviews?

RJ: Of my own records? I used to. Not now. Ugh. No way.

WF: When I was 17, I hated anyone that would sing or make Electronica. Real Hip Hop only. Do you have anything you might want to tell a 17 year-old to make his mind a little more open?

RJ: Oh, I was the same kid. And you gotta admit, both of us were probably impervious to talk of that sort at 17. You just grew up and spread out. Think of all the kids that discovered the Pixies in 2001. Or Zeppelin in 86. That’s the beauty of music. You have many chances to appreciate something.

WF: Is there anyone in Hip Hop that still peek your curiosity?

RJ: Yea. Sure. Doom, The Clipse, Snoop, Murs. There’s definitely a handful of artists I still pay attention to.

WF: I noticed a pattern where you do a lot of Hip Hop projects one year and then focus on your solo stuff another. Is this a deliberate and possibly a repeating cycle?

RJ: Yes, it is. I think it’s an artifact of the push-pull I deal with in my own interest. Musically, more specifically. Between having control over a project, and being able to collaborate and not drive the boat. I find it hard to focus when I feel like I’m going through the motions. So it’s natural for me to want to change my environment regularly.

Disclosure: Donewaiting.com site owner Robert Duffy is also an employee of the Wexner Center.