Ok. The new Kells is so amazing to me that I was surprised it hasn’t been universally heralded as a classic by the critics of the world. But I guess it isn’t, according to metacritic.
In my mind, Justin Timberlake is Radiohead. You know. Anyone with taste would see that its great music.
And if Timberlake is Radiohead, then Kells is Bjork. You know—>acclaimed music by a quirky weirdo pervert. (watch a Matthew Barney movie. I dare you. Thats Bjork’s boo. His films are borderline as bad as Kells’ urinating video)
After the break.
It’s Your Boyfriend!!
Kells.
So. In Columbus, 16 Bitch Pile-Up gets peas cause they know Thurston Moore. The Catalyst gets love for being down with Kool G, Rap. So why can’t I use some blog space on a girl that had sex with the King of R+B? You can’t spell R+B without the R. You also can get the word ho out of Ohio if you are Kells..
This girl from A+F was in Chi. Here is what went down. She meets the R at a club.
They go back to some suave place that I will never be able to afford. They hump. Before reaching the peak of his evening, R. Kelly yells, “big dick coming.”
He tells her to wait there.
I guess she waits, and Kells is nowhere to be found. The lady tries to leave. But Kells has these fancy-ass doorknobs designed not to open when women wake up after he has sex with them. She is stuck in Kell’s love den for like 22-24 hours.
Finally the R returns. The girl is like, ‘You trapped me. What the hell is wrong with you?’
Kells tells her to “pull em down”. She obliges. They do the do. Kells yells “big dick coming!”
Everything is kosher. And the lady returns to the Bus, and tells her friends about the greatest thing that will ever happen to her.
And that kinda sums up Double Up, the new R. Kelly album. Kelly is such a weird-ass freak that he is gonna give you the weirdest experience of your life involving sex & music.
The album starts off with “The Champ” which Kelly answers all his enemies that have the audacity to judge him for peeing on a child. He is so fired up, that you almost want to be on his side on the matter.
Then the cd segways to the albums title track “Double-up.” Kelly unveils his new catch phrase “It’s Your Boyfriend” which hopefully will be this summer’s “Ballin”. The beauty of this phrase is that Kelly says it before songs that have nothing to do with being in a committed relationship.
Its kinda like saying “I Love You” to some friend of some girl you are trying to hump after you told her to shut up accidentally. Its confusing enough that it works.
Double Up is about trying to hook threesomes up. The new twist on ‘two girls for every boy’ is the constant desire Kelly has for the girls to be related or at least appear to be related.
This album is on a major label, and is executed by someone that will go down in music history in the hearts of millions as one of the greatest songwriters of all time. And he dreams of incest.
Other highlights on the album are “I’m a Flirt” which Kells thankfully stole from Bow Wow, and made a great song about how he is gonna steal your girl; “Real Talk” where he tells his girlfriend to “go fuck her funky ass friends next time she needs sex” because he is tired of their gossip;”The Zoo” and “Sex Planet” in which Kelly extends metaphors about zoo, and outer space and sex.
What makes the album so special is that it’s good music. I don’t listen to music just because its funny. In fact, I hate Ween. The new Kelly joint sounds good. Way better than any album that Ween has ever done. I hate Ween. The album has the DJ Toomp’s and Polow da Don’s bringing the heat. Like as nuts as Kelly is, I would imagine 7 out of 10 music majors would argue the technical validity of the album. The other three would be racists that listen to Wagner.
The album has some missteps like including Nelly and Kid Rock. But other than that, this album is prolly the best album by a sincere criminal since 50 Cent’s “Get Rich or Die Trying.”
Don’t get me wrong, I think Kelly should be in jail. But since he is not.
Alls I can say is:
Only in America!!
but yeah check out this clip from the boondocks.
